So I was on the phone to my dad and he said I am one of those people who at their natural weight carries “around an extra pound or two, like most people do”, after I explained to him that to stay around 130lbs I’d had to exercise constantly and restrict my calories and watch what I was eating 24/7, and that my period of not exercising and eating unrestrictively had led me to gain 10lbs.
After I started crying and said that he was calling me fat he said that it was just my eating disorder making me feel that way and that he didn’t mean that I was fat at all.
Erm, no, saying that someone “carries around an extra pound or two” is saying in a polite way that someone is fat. That’s not my eating disorder, that’s just a normal, everyday way of stating that someone is a bit overweight, and so obviously I am going to take it that way.
Am I right?

Now I want to cut the disgusting flesh off of my body.

Isaac and I broke up 6 months ago today.

I still feel the loss of him in my bones, in my chest, in my veins.

My skin still screams without him.

When I was a kid I watched this episode of The Simpsons where Lisa is going to get braces and the orthodontist makes this simulation based on current growth rates and what she will look like if she doesn’t get them and after I watched it I couldn’t get the image out of my head and it really creeped me out and I told my mum and she got really sceptical about letting me watch The Simpsons again because of how disturbed I was.

I mean seriously, how terrifying is this?! I’m still getting freaked out looking at it now omg.

For this term at university our project was to be split into groups of 10 and organise a photography exhibition, which included finding a venue, hiring money for the venue (which can cost up to £500), producing an entire photography project where the finals will be exhibited, design posters/flyers/a logo, create an exhibition catalogue and a manifesto, create a blog/website, document the minutes of every group meeting, organise a private view, and print and frame our work, and curate the space which we have. Luckily we found a free venue but the space was a room with just windows not walls, so we had to buy fences to display our work on, and our own lighting too. We also have to pay for security, wine, and nibbles at the private view, and of course it costs to print and buy frames. So it has been a lot of work and stress negotiating money and getting everything sorted, but I’m excited for it being up and running on Monday 20th :D

So Meredith and I were discussing all time low moments.
Here is a list of my all time lows (without getting too serious because I don’t want to depress anyone):

• Once I dropped toast butter side down onto the floor and I still ate it
• I didn’t wear make up for about two weeks after Isaac broke up with me (not that not wearing make up is bad per say it’s just for me that means shit is going down)
• One time I didn’t shower for three days without realising
• I wore the same two outfits for three weeks because I thought everything else made me look fat
• I leant down in front of many members of the public to pick up a one pence piece
• I used someone else’s razor to shave my armpits because I forgot my own and then put it back exactly how it was so they wouldn’t notice
• I ran out of money and all that was left in my fridge and cupboards at university was sauces and spreads
• When I was 15 and my first proper boyfriend broke up with me, I sat on the sidewalk near a factory with my Evanescence CD playing on my Walkman and cried for hours on end until the boss sent out one of his female colleagues to come talk to me
• I refused to get my chipped tooth filed down because it happened when the guy I was with at the time and I crashed teeth when I ran at him to kiss him. (I got it filed down when we finally ended for good - thank god).
• When I was 14 I dated a guy who tucked the bottoms of his trackies into his socks
• I once ate a McDonald’s gherkin dipped in a McDonald’s McFlurry for a pound
• One time I got drunk and stoned and threw up onto a table in McDonald’s
• I rebounded onto a 16 year old when I was 19, and have been forever labelled a paedophile since
• After drawing over my eyebrows with eyebrow pencil whilst getting ready to walk in to university, I realised that my eyeliner had run out, and had to walk in shades to Superdrug to purchase some more and then finish off my make-up in the store
• I licked the armpit of the boyfriend that I had at the time for a dare
• When completely out-of-my-face drunk, I put a plaster in my knickers because the alcohol in my brain thought that it would work as effectively as a pantyliner.
• I used a receipt when there was no toilet roll left
• I started drinking vodka at five in the afternoon because there was nothing better to do and I was moping
• I drank water out of a dirty tupperware box because there were no glasses (I was drunk)
  
• I invited a guy back to my house who had already told me that he had a girlfriend and didn’t want to lead me on (again, I was drunk)
• When I was 15 I pretended to run away from home, and lay on the sidewalk outside my ex’s house (up the road from my house) coughing to get his attention until he saw me and came out.
• At 16 I gave head to my boyfriend at the time in a graveyard. A graveyard that is literally right next to Isaac’s dad’s house. And this woman walked up the path singing and then was like HELLO, and we were like………..hi…and then she carried on, but past there there is nowhere to go other than Isaac’s dad’s house. So it could have been the woman who used to be his stepmum. Every time I walked up the path to Isaac’s dad’s house I’d look over the wall at that spot and be like …………….

This list could actually go on forever. My life is one big all time low moment ahaaaa.

1. The rain. Walking around with wet jeans/leggings and wet socks because you’re wearing canvas shoes is just not cool. Nor is the way my hair goes flat and wavy.
2. Needing to pee all the fucking time because I drink so much herbal tea, coffee, and water. My bladder needs to grow to accommodate the amount of fluids I consume.
3. Men thinking that I asked for their opinion about me. No, I did not. Fuck off.
4. Sexism. After following The Everyday Sexism Project on Twitter, I am now sickened, if not a little nervous, of living in this world.
5. Since I mentioned sexism I’d best say that I also hate racism, and homophobia and bullying and all the CRAP that is dealt to people that are the minority.
6. Having no money to do anything. Not even to buy food. Fuck I don’t even have any main meals left for over another week and no money to buy any.
7. Being lonely. And being lonely for one person only. The one person who really can’t undo it.
8. Knowing that once this series of Game of Thrones finishes, I am going to have to wait like 9 months until the next time. I don’t think I can do it.
9. Samantha Bricks’s views and opinions. That woman needs to go to hell.
10. My body. Why can’t it just be the way I want it without having to starve myself and exercise extensively? 
11. The holes in my leggings which have appeared even though they are fairly new.
12. Friends that turn out not to be friends at all.
13. How dead and dry the second half of my hair is. 
14. Really big motherfucking house spiders.
15. Not having a good novel to read.
16. Running out of eyeliner and having to walk to Superdrug in shades with really prominent eyebrows, and finishing off your make up in there after buying a new one.
17. Sequels which are shit and clearly all about making money off how good the first film was.
18. Being uninspired.
19. Mirrors.
20. Feeling like I am wasting my life.

I’m relapsing. I can tell this because:

1. I started exercising. Once a week. Then I said it would be twice a week and no more. Then it upped to three times, then four times, and when I made a work out plan every day included exercise but two-three only included a brisk 40 minutes walk but now every time those days come around I do full-on work outs.
2. I started a weightloss/fitspo/thinspo/health blog.
3. I started researching more about eating clean.
4. I am trying (but failing) to cut back on calories. I want to eat less. I have a huge desire to be able to do so but right now I am failing.
5. I want to lose weight.
6. The only thing I can focus on when I walk down the street is other women’s bodies and determining whether they are bigger than me or not, and if I do judge them to be the same size or bigger, then I decide whether they look good and if they do then that reassures myself slightly about my own body. For about 1 second before I see a skinnier person walking towards me.
7. I’m too scared to start my antidepressants in case they make me gain any more weight.
8. I argue with myself every single day about the pros and cons of relapse vs recovery, and although recovery is logically better and that is a little of the reason why it wins the debates inside my head, I think the only reason I let it win is to justify my failure in being able to restrict right now.
9. I’m conflicted about my CBT because I’m not sure that I want to continue recovering right now.
10. I still enjoy sleeping as late as possible because it means I start eating later. If I get up early and start eating in the morning it makes me anxious that I am going to eat too much because I always eat late at night too. So the later I start eating the better.
11. I re-downloaded MyFitnessPal.
12. I’m ordering and reading countless books on anorexia and eating disorders in general.
13. I will be reading ”Wasted” again as soon as I get home for summer because I know it will trigger me, and I want to be triggered.
14. I’m too scared to weight myself because I’m going to be suicidal if I’ve gained even 1lb.
15. I am afraid of my own appetite.
16. I can’t look at my body without feeling like a disgusting failure.
17. I keep working out even if I start to feel sick during. The other day I felt exhausted and weak but I kept going anyway because I HAD to do my allotted time.
18. I won’t even enjoy a casual drink because of “empty” calories.
19. After a year of recovering I am still too afraid to join Graeme on The Curry Mile for just ONE lovely greasy chicken covered in sauce on naan bread meal, which I promised myself that I would do once. I still haven’t made a cheesecake for the same reason (even though I will eat cake and flapjack and cookies. Fear foods can be so irrational - I think it is because cheesecake is the highest calorie dessert).
20. I feel like I need to be good at it. I feel like it is part of my identity. I know the is a common and irrational feeling caused by my eating disorder but I can’t let it go. Not eating is my thing, and I am failing at it.
21. I want to relapse.

Fuck, that is way more reasons than I thought existed. And there are probably more.

After making a dash for my front door and narrowly missing my 12/13-year-old admirer from next door making a dash to get out of his front door to talk to me, I heard him standing outside saying “Sarah! Sarah! … Ohhwwww I just wanted to see her. I just wanted to see her!” Oh god someone help me.